I recently tried my first boot camp group exercise class on the advice of a friend. This friend (insert air quotes) told me where the class was and when to show up, but neglected to provide me with any truly useful information. I won’t let you make the same mistakes I did. Solidarity, sisters.
Here are five things you need to know before attending a boot camp class. You’re welcome.
1. Wear Dark Sunglasses. Or Find a Candlelight Boot Camp.
Because the mirrors, people, the mirrors. I have one full-length mirror in my home, and it makes me look 5’10” and lanky. The mirrors at this boot camp reminded me that capris work as full-length pants for me and that my “thigh gap” appears only if I’m standing with my feet 24 inches apart. Dark sunglasses make it all better. Added bonus, the other boot campers will probably think you’re famous. Do not tell them otherwise.
2. Really Attractive Instructors? Find Another Class.
Google the instructors. Or call ahead of time and ask pointed questions like, “Is the instructor over 95 years old? Is the instructor, by chance, covered in reptilian scales? Is the instructor blind?” If you receive a yes, then you will experience much less anxiety while planking. I have named the instructors in my class Dirk, Thor and Jennifer Garner. I am hoping the effort expended by chanting my internal mantra of “sometimes I’m funny, sometimes I’m funny” burned a calorie or two.
3. Consider Wearing a Plain Sweatshirt. Preferably One That Reaches Your Ankles.
I walked in wearing a tank top that said “GANGSTA” across the front in big, bold letters. It turns out that your arm flab careening back and forth with the force of a hurricane is not really all that gangsta. Stupid mirrors. Do you own a long-sleeved, dark sweatshirt dress? Good, wear that.
“How many rotations did you guys do?” asked Thor, with a dry-erase marker in his hand. “10! 13! 150,000!” yelled the class. “Um, 6,” I said from the mirrorless corner. Lesson learned. Unless you enjoy wearing your laziness like a shining badge on your sweatshirt dress, boot camp is definitely not the time to stop exaggerating.
5. If it Ends in “ies,” Pretend You Are a Conscientious Objector.
Froggies. Burpies. Absurdities. Just shake your head no and take a breather. Nobody will question you. I mean, you’re wearing sunglasses, a long-sleeve dress and mumbling to yourself. You are clearly a celebrity who operates on a much deeper level than the rest of the class.